Sleeping in fear of night or just staying awake by fear. I don’t understand whether to cry or shout. Whether to feel free or feel trapped.
When lights got off I really thought, I should sleep since I became afraid of fear. I am becoming a coward and this is hurting me because I can’t be like me. It seems like I am suffocating myself with my own thoughts even it’s fear itself, I shouldn’t treat me like this. So this is how I did shut my laptop down and decided to sleep. But how could I while I am not feeling sleepy. I am sleeping on my own alone with my face covered. I didn’t turn off my room’s lights but it was still so bad for me, so creepy for me. I couldn’t help myself. I thought if I sleep like this than may be someone will come in my room and will turn off the lights and I will be able to sleep very well. “But no, okay then, What can I do”? The only thought I could think. After struggling with my courage and fear I actually cried but before crying I tried to calm down me. So I turned my laptop on again and played my fav. Songs list. Some songs that can make you fall asleep. I tried again to sleep but again I couldn’t do. So I cried but I started worrying about my laptop what if my tears cause any trouble for my laptop. I became stupid though. Well since I am really just so unpredictable, I stirred myself from my fear. It was midnight. I felt like I am hearing so many sounds that were making me weak and uncomfortable and filling me with horror feeling. I again covered my face with the blanket. Even after doing this, I put my palms on my covered face so that I won’t see anything throughout the blanket. I stayed awake for so many minutes. My stomach was aching and little bit infection of cold caught my throat. While I was crying I was thinking” uhh what are you doing with your self? How did you manage yourself when you were in hostel all alone in just a small room where you had to turn off the lights off and had to go back to your bed with open eyes so that you don’t hit anything? How did you just stay all nights after watching so many horror movies? Just getting afraid because you have read some really scary movies or have listened to some real cases. You know you just imagining things more and more. Why you can’t turn head into another direction? Why you can’t sleep like you usually do? I know it became hard when you are sleeping alone with paper’s fluttering sounds. I know they are making noises but still why are you doing this? ” these thoughts were putting me between fear and courage. I know I didn’t like now how I was crawling and packed myself inside the blanket. I know I was torturing myself but I was so afraid to even take a breath outside when I know I can’t stat inside more because I needed air to breath. Now I was becoming so angry that I decided to come out from that fear. It took a lot of courage but I knew I couldn’t stay like this.
It was like do or die. Either sleep calmly or just stay awake. I didn’t want to kill myself in the fear. What I was thinking is just if I even face something I will die in fear or I will freeze but I have to face it with courage. I had so many creepy experiences. And when those thoughts came to my mind I couldn’t resist them. I started shivering after knowing it’s becoming tough to sleep. But somehow I managed to stay awake till late night but it was hard. Was I becoming that much coward? I came out from the blanket and sat on the bed and played my songs again. I put the volume low so that my family mambers don’t hear the sound. I checked it’s power it was 30%. I started thinking what will I do if power went down. Should I bring the charger but how it was in another room. But what if I hear those voices again I heard few days ago. I left the thought and started thinking that I should do my study but what I was doing is writing my fav. Singer’s name. It was striking 12:15am. And I started thinking oh isn’t it the dark time of night till 4:00am? My heartbeat getting faster and faster so I shut down the laptop again. And got into the blanket. I kept turning this side and that side. I usually sleep on back but this time not.
Lights were on but it was still dark for me. I couldn’t fulfil my parameter of ideal sleep. It stroke 2am then 2:30 then3:00am. And now I became like an frozen ice since I have heard that it’s a dangerous time between 3am and 4am. I was waiting for clock to strike 4am. I sat back in frustration at 3:40am. Now I couldn’t handle it. Ahh finally it stroke 4am. Because I knew I could write what I feel now in way better. Now I am not afraid and feeling bit okay. Now it’s 5and half. I am half unconscious by not sleeping for whole day and whole night. Now my schedule has disturbed. Now fear has turned into struggle and then fight. This is how night was gone.